At forty-two, I catch myself thinking about how my kids know me. They see who I am when I’m tired, when I’m in a hurry, and when I have a whole evening free. They also see how I talk to their mom and whether I follow through when I say I’ll do something. A lot of what they learn about me happens while I’m thinking about something else.

I want to know them just as well. I want to know what they’re excited to tell me, what they find funny right now, and what feels like a big deal to them even if I’ve forgotten what it was like to be their age. Sometimes the best question I can ask is simply, “What happened next?”

I’ve been thinking about how often I ask “How was your day?” while I’m doing something else. It’s an easy question to ask and an easy one to answer with “fine.” I’m more likely to learn something if I can remember what they were looking forward to and ask about that. And I need to give them time if they decide they want to tell the whole story.

I also want them to know there’s room for the days when they’d rather be quiet. Being available can mean going for a walk together or sitting near them while they draw. The conversation can come later. What matters to me is that there’s time for it when they’re ready.

That’s what I want to remember about this birthday. I have two kids who are still growing into themselves, and I get to be here for it. I want to be easy to talk to while they still have so much to tell me.